Banned

As of late I have not been feeling like myself. Normally I tend to be that girl who looks for the positive in every situation, the girl who brightens up the room because so much happiness exudes out of her, the girl whose laugh is so genuine it becomes contagious which causes you to laugh as well. No matter what, I always found something in life worth keeping a smile on my face. The past few weeks have been pandemonium. One thing after another after another. I found myself bottling it all up (not surprising) and repeating to myself in my head that I am strong, I am beautiful, I am smart. I remind myself that things could be worse and start thinking of things that I should be grateful for. I felt each new lemon life tossed at me and every time I would squeeze it into the pitcher of lemonade. But with every lemon being added the pitcher was coming closer and closer to overflowing. When I tried to pour some into a glass a majority spilled and missed the glass entirely. Cleaning up my mess I could not help but woe to myself. Why could nothing ever go right? Why even when I try, do I still somehow mess up? If my emotions were being compared to a roller coaster ride, this would have been the part where you hear the roller coaster slowly creaking towards the peak, bracing yourself because you know the drop is about to come. I noticed my once happy mood being plagued with stress and anxiety. I sought for some help, someone to talk to so this burden wasn’t mine alone. I confided in my best friends, which helped a little. But what do you know? Life decided it was time to throw another lemon at me. Squeezing it into that overfilled pitcher I was not surprised to see it seeping down over the outer sides of the glass. My roller coaster had finally reached the peak and now was dropping. My mind was internally screaming. All those bottled emotions that had been cracking at the seems were seeping out. I had lost all control and I had broke down. I cried until I couldn’t produce anymore tears. I cried until all I felt was a wrenching pang in my chest. It was after that point I truly couldn’t recognize myself anymore. I was filled with so much anger and resentment. How could life be so cruel? What did I do to deserve all these bad things constantly happening to me? I wanted it all to go away. I hated these feelings. I dug deep and found a switch that could either be disguised as a blessing or a curse. The switch was for my emotions. When flipped up, it had the power to let me feel everything. When flipped down, it had the power to ban my heart from feeling anything. Numbness being the very thing I sought, I flipped the switch off. Banned from my emotions, banned from what was plaguing me. For the first time in a while I was able to breathe.
Banned

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