Farewell & Hello

2016… wow am I happy to say goodbye to you. You truly were one of the most challenging years of my life. I learned to overcome challenges I never could have foreseen, feel things I have never felt, found insight in what was masked with familiarity. Taking in each memory and lesson as a stepping block, I can only use it to grow. I refuse to let the bad consequence the good. Like a snake, I shed my skin of you. Not to be forgotten, but definitely to be left behind. Leaving all but optimism and perseverance, I enter 2017 with a warm embrace. A new year, a new me, a new beginning. Are you ready? Because I am.

Banned

As of late I have not been feeling like myself. Normally I tend to be that girl who looks for the positive in every situation, the girl who brightens up the room because so much happiness exudes out of her, the girl whose laugh is so genuine it becomes contagious which causes you to laugh as well. No matter what, I always found something in life worth keeping a smile on my face. The past few weeks have been pandemonium. One thing after another after another. I found myself bottling it all up (not surprising) and repeating to myself in my head that I am strong, I am beautiful, I am smart. I remind myself that things could be worse and start thinking of things that I should be grateful for. I felt each new lemon life tossed at me and every time I would squeeze it into the pitcher of lemonade. But with every lemon being added the pitcher was coming closer and closer to overflowing. When I tried to pour some into a glass a majority spilled and missed the glass entirely. Cleaning up my mess I could not help but woe to myself. Why could nothing ever go right? Why even when I try, do I still somehow mess up? If my emotions were being compared to a roller coaster ride, this would have been the part where you hear the roller coaster slowly creaking towards the peak, bracing yourself because you know the drop is about to come. I noticed my once happy mood being plagued with stress and anxiety. I sought for some help, someone to talk to so this burden wasn’t mine alone. I confided in my best friends, which helped a little. But what do you know? Life decided it was time to throw another lemon at me. Squeezing it into that overfilled pitcher I was not surprised to see it seeping down over the outer sides of the glass. My roller coaster had finally reached the peak and now was dropping. My mind was internally screaming. All those bottled emotions that had been cracking at the seems were seeping out. I had lost all control and I had broke down. I cried until I couldn’t produce anymore tears. I cried until all I felt was a wrenching pang in my chest. It was after that point I truly couldn’t recognize myself anymore. I was filled with so much anger and resentment. How could life be so cruel? What did I do to deserve all these bad things constantly happening to me? I wanted it all to go away. I hated these feelings. I dug deep and found a switch that could either be disguised as a blessing or a curse. The switch was for my emotions. When flipped up, it had the power to let me feel everything. When flipped down, it had the power to ban my heart from feeling anything. Numbness being the very thing I sought, I flipped the switch off. Banned from my emotions, banned from what was plaguing me. For the first time in a while I was able to breathe.
Banned

Passionate

Passionate;

The way you looked into my eyes as we made love on your bed

Filled with desire, lust, and a gleam of determination

One goal in common

An unspoken feat

Knowing that all great things come from a team

Our hands intertwine, a sign of support

Bodies entangled

Fitting together like a puzzle piece

We mesh into one

Yet somehow stay unique

Our rhythms change, silently and synchronized

For this is a dance we’ve come accustomed to

Nonetheless steamy, nonetheless infatuating

We do not settle for boring

We scavenge each others bodies as if it were still a mystery

While exuding confidence sought through comfort

We finish this dance with nothing but smiles

An addiction is quenched

At least for a moment

 

First Glance

Sitting there, I felt a presence

Someone was looking a me, I didn’t have to see it in order to know, I could just sense it

I looked up, not even straight ahead, but diagonal, straight into your not so sly glance

We lock eyes, not wearying our gaze

My heart drops a little, I’m starting to feel butterflies

Why am I feeling butterflies? I don’t even know this stranger

Who is this person?

As our eyes were locked in their embrace I noticed minute details

Your eyes, oh how I instantly fell in love with them

Filled with so much warmth, passion and curiosity

I admired the confidence that exuded from our exchange

You gave a sheepish grin, and in return I gave one back

But at that time I was broken, so I silently prayed you couldn’t see it in my eyes

For as much as I wish I could have gazed into those eyes forever, I could not let you see my tattered soul;

So away I looked, breaking our moment of connection

The presence gone, as you look away as well

I glance back, taking in your essence

Your style, your hair, hell even your facial structure

Sensing the presence you look back, but having felt this was about to happen I’m staring back ahead

A small curl is pulling both of our lips into a grin

It was in those split seconds that I knew, I needed to get to know you

 

Caffeine

IMG_8651Caffeine.. it might as well be a vampire that has prayed me down and is now sucking all my blood dry. It consumes me, my thoughts, actions, and emotions. Even my bank account; after all, I didn’t get to gold status at Starbucks for free. It’s the drug and I’m the addict; constantly chasing down the high, craving it. I seek it out night and day. Without it I have a bad morning. Without it I can’t study. Without it I rationalize that nothing good will come of it. It’s a bittersweet entity. I hate it but I love it just as much. I act as if I am a victim but truly I am enthralled with it. Give me more, or give me time to nap.